steady, solid rock!

hey friends heeeeeyyyy!

(some thoughts and reminders from this week)

this week has been very untraditional for me. on sunday i had this feeling that i just didn’t feel like going to work — which is a rare case because if you know me you know i love the work that i do .. monday i decided to take what i needed and engaged in some self time, although it was needed there was still a lingering feeling over me the rest of the week.

as the week progressed i was confused on why i hadn’t bounced back yet — i'm a firm believer of moving through, something about dwelling says that i'm not actively trying to change my circumstances but something about this week felt like a lingering weight. as i've came to call it it felt like compounding interest, like all of the moving parts of life had suddenly dumped a boulder on me and it felt like a weighted blanket — heavy enough for me to feel the presence but not heavy enough to be so crippling that i couldn't move.

mom calls, how come you weren’t at church sunday? in that moment i realized that i hadn’t told her i wasn’t going to be there — so i followed up with what did Pastor talk about and she replied go listen (if you know Allison imagine her saying this with the accent and with a tone of you should have been there lol) but then proceeded to still share a snippet that the title of his talk was “The Rock of all Ages.” honestly i don’t usually go back to the YouTube messages if i missed church, something about online just don’t hit but the title peaked my need for a reminder that he is my rock in the midst of things that are swaying. 

i quickly queued up the sermon and jumped in — it lead me to psalms 62 KJV (read the whole thing when you get time). 1“truly my soul waiteth upon God: from him cometh my salvation. 2HE only is my rock and salvation; he is my defence; i shall not be greatly moved.” 5My soul, wait thou only upon God; For my expectation is from him. 6He only is my rock and my salvation: He is my defence; I shall not be moved. 7In God is my salvation and my glory: The rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. 8Trust in him at all times; ye people, Pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.” i was quickly reminded that he’s my solid rock — that what i face i can freely pour out to him -- i lay my burdens at his feet for in him is where i will find my refuge. although i was reminded of this truth, although i read and re-read the passage, although i created a new phone background so i could see these words all week, although i translated it into many versions for better understanding i could still feel the weight of the blanket — notably lighter but still there. 

as the week progressed i found myself sitting in a conversation with my boss verbalizing the new reality of this weighted blanket and i kept remembering a quote that i hold near especially in moments like this — “leaders must be tough enough to fight, tender enough to cry, human enough to make mistakes, humble enough to admit them, strong enough to absorb the pain, and resilient enough to bounce back and keep on moving,” & in the midst of this week i existed in all parts of this quote. 

i am a leader. tough. tender. human. humble. strong. absorbent. resilient.

i immediately thought back to a book i read by Resmaa Menakem called My Grandmother's Hands (if you haven't read it, it is a must read). One of Resmaa's main ideas is that we should focus on our bodies, paying attention to our physicality of our experiences and paying attention to the knowledge it carries. he leans in and shares that clean pain is the pain that comes with uncomfortable growth, dealing with difficult emotions and challenging ideas, that by leaning in it it “builds your capacity for further growth” [165]. he states, “Clean pain is about choosing integrity over fear. It is about letting go of what is familiar but harmful, finding the best parts of yourself, and making a leap–with no guarantee of safety or praise. This healing does not happen in your head. It happens in your body. And it is more likely to happen in a body that can stay settled in the midst of conflict and uncertainty” [166]. he reminds us to settle into our bodies, to be cognizant of what we need and to stay the course in the midst of chaos. he reminds us that although the world may be spinning, we should buckle into our routines and stay the course.

so although i didn’t feel like doing the things i kept to the routines, i kept pushing through to tennis, kept waking early, kept making my bed, kept moving — remembering that i control my body, my body doesn’t control me. so although i wanted to skip work and curl up in my room everyday this week — i rolled out and kept doing the things. one of my sayings is control the controllables manage the surprises & here i was forgetting to do the very thing i tell everyone to do. here i was neglecting to make the leap into this discomfort that i was feeling. a new beginning, a shedding of what i had came to know into something new and unchartered.

the weight of the blanket began to shift. no longer from a tenure of what felt like apathy but rather grief of what was no longer about to be. i am changing, growing, learning, stretching -- a new reality is upon me, a sifting in this new season. a different weight that i must manage, learn to lean into, and build community around.

so as i was hoping to speed through this week and shake the weighted blanket i remained steady. friday i pulled up to the ymca and got on the stair master and to my right is a slim, fit, old woman (had to have been at least 70). i'm on the stair master couple minutes in and struggling to keep it on but i look over to her and i notice that she is steady — no fluctuation in her speed, in her cadence — STEADY. she’s locked in, not distracted, not concentrating on the pain but keeping a steady pace, tight grip on the machine — focused! she was locked in and her goal was clear, her strategy was clear, and her execution was clear -- keep the pace and move steady.

here i was trying to rush this week but in reality it was the steady pace of doing the repetitive things, recommitting to the habits, and processing my maximized thoughts solo and in community that kept me -- that revisiting scripture and metaphors of Jesus being a solid rock that kept me.

steadiness is my hope for us today and forward. if you’re feeling like a weighted blanket is on you, 

1. go back to what you know! 

2. keep the routine .. show up even if you don’t feel like it.

3. know the people that will understand the specific weight and talk to them 

4. find yourself in Gods word — & by find yourself i mean that your situation is literally somewhere in the Bible, find it, read it, marinate on it and apply it — we’re never left to figure it out on our own. 

5. tap into your community.

6. practice the art of noticing — even the small things are big things.  

7. eat, pray, cry, read.

with a renewed sense of BEing, 

xoxo ya gyal ro!